Death.

Death inspires me - not that I am  downward spiralling, but because it inspires me to live more - making every moment count.  We're all dying, little by little, with the cells weakening, the fibres stretching and the heart getting closer to its last beat. Personally, I like that fact.  There is nothing more exhilarating than waking up every morning and going 'WOW! THIS IS IT! THIS IS REALLY IT! LETS HAVE A KICK-ASS DAY!' It helps me focus my mind wonderfully, makes me love vividly, work intensely, and realize that, in this amazing scheme of things, I really don't have time to sit around in my pyjamas, eating cereals at noon and watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

If you feel I am sounding morbid here, lets think of death not as a release but as an incentive. The more focussed you are on your death, the more wholly you live your life. I don't believe in an afterlife. I guess that makes me a bad Hindu, and might be re-born as a dung-fly (only if I believed in that!).  Not trying to hurt the believers' religious sentiments, but I genuinely think afterlife is one of the biggest philosophical problem the earth faces. Everyone thinks they are getting a harp after death. 

Believing in an afterlife totally ruins up your living life. How? Underneath every day action and word, you think it doesn't really matter if you screw things up this time because you can all sort it out in some metaphysical plane. You will make it up with people you no longer talk to and become a better person, and lose that stomach flab in heaven. Oh, and learn to speak Japanese. After all, you will have time! It's eternity! So who cares what you do now? This is just some lacklustre waiting room you're going to be in for 20 minutes, with no wings at all, and are forced to walk around, on your feet, like pigs do. Heaven, the biggest waste of our time we ever invented, besides Buttersticks. 

So. Yes. We're all crumbling into the void, one cell at a time. We are disintegrating like sugar cubes in champagne. Then why do most men and women pretend  it isn't happening? Why do we often sit around and contemplate a future that doesn't even exists, instead of getting some stuff done and making it happen? I am a huge apostle for NOW.  And I totally love Robert De Niro's take on it - "Time goes on. So whatever you're going to do, do it. Do it now. Don't wait." This make me restless, but I am constantly curious about whats out there. I like picking life by its neck and shaking it, just to see what falls out of its pockets. There is a strange kind of joy in discovering something new - whether its accidentally finding a hidden street with amazing street art, or just striking up random conversations with absolute strangers. Or taking up Swing Dancing lessons next month.

I don't try new things just because I am scared that one day I might drop dead and my bucket-list would  be incomplete. Rumor has it that your life flashes by just before you die. If thats actually true, I would rather have mine worth an Oscar - she died doing what she likes the most. And that is something no harp or golden wings can ever replace.

What do you think your flash-by movie will be like?

The dangerous mind of a woman

Its a sunny Saturday and I am sitting at my favorite cafe soaking up in whatever vitaminD I could get for the next few days. I could go out for a walk but all I want to do is write. The mind is on fire! And I couldn't think of writing anything else than the complex mind of a woman.

As a teaser, last week I wrote few lines on my Facebook status to see the reaction on -  "If there was some kind of Psychic Helmet that you could put on, in order to read the women's thoughts, any men donning it would be instantly terrified by the previously concealed levels of female insanity it will reveal." Of course the men folk were interested to know whats in the mind of a woman so that they can  understand us. The women however kept silent, and I know exactly why. We are terrified of our own thoughts. 

Pick any situation in a woman's life and she has done so many 'test runs' in her head over it before it even existed, to see if it actually worked out or not. Like a computer running through algorithms. For example, we love to think that we are in love. Women are obsessed about the idea of love and relationships. They think about it all the time. Sometimes, when I tell men about the way women think about potential relationships, they start to look very, very alarmed. However, discuss the same thing with women, and they will give a shamed bark of recognition. No wonder it makes me laugh when I come across anecdotes like - women thinks from heart, and men thinks from head. I don't know who is fooling whom. The truth is men falls in love, women loves to think they are in love, at least in the beginning. The only exception to this rule will be if you are sharing the umbilical cord with us. But then our fertile imagination is not entirely our fault.

Language tells us exactly what we think of unattached woman - it's all there, in the difference between 'bachelors' and 'spinsters'. Bachelors have it all to play for. Spinsters must play for it all, and fast. The market demand tells you a woman's value: if she is single, she is unwanted, and therefore - should this state of affairs go on for any length of time - less desirable. Even though this is very prevalent in patriarchal societies in Asia and Africa, it is not entirely excluded from Westen societies. So given the importance women know is attached to them being attached, it is a little wonder why most women are obsessed with the idea of love, and relationships. Sadly most women gets so consumed by this fear of being unwanted, that they panic and get in all the wrong relationships to 'think they are in love'. The rest of us who loves to run free until we meet our equal in every aspect, are often shunned by our committed friends to be the 'spinster aunt' to their kids who they will visit on holidays. 

You can tell when a woman is with the wrong man, because she has so much to say about the fact that nothing is actually happening. We all have that friend. Before you have met him for the first time, she talked him up like he was a cross between Indiana Jones, Barack Obama and The Doctor. But when you finally meet him, he is actually the 'Bony King of Nowhere.com.' On the other hand when women find the right person, they just....disappear for months, and then resurface, eyes shiny, and usually few pounds heavier. And they are oddly quiet other than the "Its just good... I'm really happy." And that will usually be the end of the discussion. Usually forever. You stop talking about things when you've worked them out. You are no longer an observer, but a participant. You're too busy for this bullshit.

I used to talk a lot about my ex boyfriend to my friends. I became a total bore - I bet people ran away from me in parties, and friends went offline when I came online. At that time it felt like our relationship was a gigantic puzzle - a huge existential and emotional quiz that, if I apply myself enough to it, I will solve and gain the result of True Love. Of course now its easier to see that having common grounds over movie, music, food choices are not the main ingredients to be in a relationship when your core values are polar opposite. The whole thing looked good only in my head. Maybe thats why not many women die heart-broken because of failed relationships. Maybe because when its over in their head, its over forever. Just like that – flipping the switch off. And then something new catches our imagination.  

Being a woman is not easy, and there is no manual for it. We are not only judged on how we dress or conduct ourselves, but we are also judged about the way we think. I have been often told that most of my thoughts are NOT FEMININE. I guess its because I wear my mind on my sleeves rather than my heart. There is so much stuff to talk about and discuss, sadly very few people gets it or will ever understand the intensity of a good conversation.  The worst part is I can't discuss a woman's mind with other women, they will vehemently disagree to half the things I will say. As for men, they need to evolve into women to even talk about women's psyche. So taking refuge in books was my only option  - I devoured works of Dorothy Parker, Sylvia Plath, Germaine Greer, Gloria Steinem, but it was pretty unidimensional. They were all angry women who contemplated suicide at some point in their lives. I now, rather prefer Nancy Friday or Lady Gaga's views - no matter how shocking their revelations are,  they threw more light on female mind, sexuality and liberation. Yes, a woman's mind is a deep, dark and twisted land, where very few dares to tread on it. And we change it very often only because we are afraid that someone might get burnt by our thoughts. 

Sigmund Freud once said, "The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul is - What does a woman want?"

When he couldn't answer that question, dear reader, how will you?

Lessons from top roping

One of my resolutions for 2013 was to do one thing every month that scares me. It was time to fight the inner demons, and so I spent last three weeks tackling fear of heights - got enrolled in a top roping class. For someone who freaks out after climbing three meters, this was a bit extreme. But you gotta do what u gotta do. I did panic and felt that my heart will leap out of my chest, but I learnt - more than I expected.

Lesson #1. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

Thats the first thing our instructor, Ralf told us - the three important zones of our life.

Operating in the comfort zone is easy, but we hardly learn anything new. Panic zone completely shuts off our minds, and our basic survival instincts kicks in. I like fear, it challenges me to try what I feel I can't do. Not gonna lie, but I did my adrenaline shot once I started climbing beyond my comfort zone. I guess thats where I entered the learning zone. Fear of falling mixed with willingness to climb one step  higher was the perfect cocktail at this stage. But if we don't challenge to broaden our learning zone, its very easy to fall back in the rut and being comfortable.

Lesson #2. Getting to the top is not important, its how you get there

Climbing that 10 meters wall (with my condition) as a first timer seemed utterly impossible three weeks back. Panicking along the tricky routes did not help either. So what worked for my friends didn't actually work for me. It took me two weeks to figure out my style of climbing. I think the same goes for life as well. Often we get frustrated with our slow pace of what we define as "progress", especially when we see our contemporaries climbing up the "steps" much faster than us. We have made our lives a mere rat race competing with friends, family and neighbors, focussing only on the end goals with the inability to enjoy the journey to reach them. Whats the point of working towards something if we can't relish the moments spent in it? I have learnt my way to the top of the wall definitely with fear and scratches, but also with lots of laughter and camaraderie.

Lesson #3. Trust your partner 

In climbing, your life literally depends on your partner. More than the climber, its the belayer that plays the most important role of this sport. Not only your partner will help in your ascent, but can also break your fall and prevent you from hitting the ground, incase you miss a step and slip. This means having ton of trust and patience in your partner. When the climb is rough its very easy to lose cool, so great communication with ton of encouragement is a must. Just like real relationships, no? Whoever said the journey to the top is a lonely one, was definitely myopic. We all need 'belayers' in our lives who not only helps us in our personal growth, but will also watch our backs incase we happen to fall. Its all about having the best interests for each other at heart.

Lesson #4. Whatever happens, never let go

If you have made up your mind to climb the height, no matter how frightful it looks, don't let go. Tricky path means more challenge, not an excuse to give up.  Feel the fear, make it real but trust your arms and legs to keep you hanging up there. Because the joy of overcoming that threshold is ecstatic.

As for me, I will end the rant here with this pic, 'coz my arms are still sore from yesterday's climb. So whatever new you want to do with your life, climbing or otherwise, just do it, no excuses. But most importantly, enjoy it!

P.S. Hug a climber today, they are very friendly people. ;) 

2012 : Happy Endings

‎"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story."  - Orson Welles

Crack open the champagne! The world didn't end as predicted and a new year has arrived! Time to start  a new cycle of your ongoing awesomeness. For me it came with these four attributes - 

a) be insanely happy, even when you are sad

b) never be scared of the challenges life throws your way

c) be brave, and take risks.

d) stop looking for validation, it makes us weak

The rest comes easy. 

So in my last blog post for 2012, I am going to talk about them and all that jazz.  Shit happens, sabki life mein... but does that mean we should stop being happy? Nahin na. If this year did not go as you expected, and now that you are sad and possibly feeling lonely, just pause a moment. Rewind. Go back to your happiest memory, whenever wherever or whoever it was with. How happy you look! If life gave you such a moment in the past, life will definitely bring you more such moments in the future. Happiness is relative state of mind, just because we don't feel it now, doesn't mean we will never feel it again. The trick is very simple : Ask and you shall receive. When, where and how will that happen? Don't ask me or anyone else (not even your family astrologer), just let life come to you and unfold the joy it has in store for you.

After all, life has many ways of testing a person's will - either by nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen all at once. I bet we all have have faced such situations.  One moment you are at the top of the world, and the next moment your entire world starts crumbling down. But this is the test of life. When you least expect it, life gives us a new challenge to test our courage and willingness to change. I have asked myself many times as to why we need to go through such test/challenge is given. The only answer I ever got was to prove that we are worthy enough for the good times that soon follow. As ironical as it could get, without the bad times we are incapable of truly appreciating the good times in our lives. 

And what we usually perceive to be "bad things happening to us" could be actually good stuff, only momentarily hidden. Often, its the fear of the unknown makes us fudge-brained to clearly see the truth. Whatever it is kid, if its still in your mind, its worth taking a risk! (Not talking about life threatening red-bull event stunts here.)  Rather fall 7 times and get up 8 times, than do nothing at all. Because one day you will wake up and there won't be any time left to do things you always wanted. The choice is always ours. Obstacles will always be there. We can either knock them down and go for what our crazy heart wants, or we give up at the sight of trouble. There is no right way to this. Its purely your free will to choose what is right for you. But to believe that our life is controlled by fate, is the world's biggest lie.

Now you may ask what gives me the authority to razzle-dazzle you with all the above fundas. I am neither a writer nor am I a life-coach. What I am, is another human who felt what most of you have gone through. Often my friends think I lead a life that makes me pleased as the Sunday punch. But its not true. There were times when I have hold myself tight and cried till I could cry no more. But there were also times when I laughed so hard that I couldn't stand anymore. Both at the extremes, but both makes me a human and I am not ashamed to admit them. When I look back at 2012, I don't think I have any regrets. Yes, I made mistakes and had disappointments along the way, but I would not have done it any other way. What I did at that time, for that place, I did the best with what my instincts provided me. Regret comes only when we look around for validation from the other people. Might sound foolish to many, I have often given into the Woody Allen “the-heart-wants-what-the-heart-wants”. Of course that take me endless hours of "interfrention", self debate and oodles of bad mood, to actually learn from these experiences. But I would rather crash-and-burn in the process of feeding my soul, than live my whole life in denial. Honestly, I want to approach life like a fine meal -- with relish, great anticipation, and a discriminating palate to make it a perfect experience overall.

So come 2013, I am more hopeful than ever before for the exciting future that lies ahead. Infact I feel like Bilbo Baggins running through the fields of the Shire, shouting - "I'm going on an adventure!"

So peopleee--push the envelope this year, raise your bar and go for the biggest stakes that your loyal heart can fathom. Have an adventurous 2013!

Maa, I bow to thee

The festivities of Durga Puja has officially started. For the Shaktas like myself, this is the time of the year when we bow to the Divine Feminine power, Shakti - the source of all creation, and the energy that animates and governs it. 

But today its more than that for me. Today, I celebrate the birth of my first pillar of strength, the source of my creation - my mother. Happy Birthday, Ma! You are my embodiment of strength and dynamism. You not only gave your flesh and blood, but also passed on the strong life force to each one of your kids. Your presence in our lives has helped us face all the good and bad times, with equal vigor and zest for life. Your compassion for the needy and those in trouble, amazes me on how much you have sacrificed for the sake of others happiness. I doubt if I can ever be that selfless!

Your positive attitude towards life, I think, has always helped  me believe in the best, even when everything around me is falling apart. My friends think I am a strong person to move past any bad situation in life, but this is what they don't know - I have a mother who tells me 'no matter what happens, I am always there for you'. Honestly, thats all anyone needs to get through the bad times.

But the most important thing you taught me is to love - love with an open heart, with no expectations or  any motives. Now this may look as a sign of weakness for many, but as I am going through different life experiences, I feel this is more of a unique strength. Not many can do it, many even don't find it in their lifetime. But you have taught me otherwise. You have shown me that loving someone is not enough - you need to fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even walk the extra mile. For this life lesson, I am forever grateful to you. 

And even though Papa is doing a great job today in making your birthday a special one (fyi, he always does.), I miss being there and celebrating your fabulous 54th. You look beautiful with each passing year, surprising everyone around you with your beauty, love and wisdom. I wish you many more such years ahead, and I am glad to have such a role model in my life. I love you Ma! On behalf of the whole family, I wish you a happy and beautiful year ahead, Mommy or resident Lataji, as everyone in the family calls you lovingly for your amazing voice!.

A moment too perfect

As I scribble this post down, I am soaking in the late afternoon sun while enjoying a glass of Schorle and listening to "Spiem in Alium" in the background. If this wasn't perfect enough, let me add that my desk faces this amazing Hamburg forest view. I must say, living in the 9th floor has its own perks!

Life has been good lately and I am so grateful with the recent turn of events. I have come to believe that these small incidents of my life will eventually transform into larger-than-life events. Small joys of life, I say. Like the little 2 hour hike I did today morning. The forest near Triftstraße attracted me from the moment I saw it yesterday. Its deep, dark and so inviting. And I surrendered myself to nature finally.

I grew up in a city surrounded my lush forests and hills. Thanks to my dad, me and my brother grew up hiking through these forest trails. Wonderful hiking memories about my dad making stories about the forest as we walked around exploring the place. Robbers, pirates, dinosaurs and sometimes even aliens walked the same paths as we did. Oh what a wonderful way to ignite a child's vivid imagination!  As I was hiking today through this forest, all these old memories came rushing to me all at once. A moment too perfect, and it was all mine to savour. Of course I didn't have my two favorite men beside me today, but the company of Beethoven and Mozart wasn't bad either. And before I knew it, I was walking for around 2 hours and not even half of the forest was covered. But then I have a year ahead of me in this place -  to explore, enjoy and get pampered by nature.

And to my surprise and delight there is a horse riding club at the edge of the forest - guess its time I finally explore another long lost interest of mine! I now officially open myself to all possibilities life has to offer. I have come to believe that letting life come to you, and then surrendering to it can make our lives a collection of perfect memories - even if its bad at times, transition will always happen. This is something I learnt from the current transitional phase which has moved me from a negative problematic phase to a positive serene phase. I am not qualified enough to speak about Heaven and Hell, but there are times I feel that somewhere and somehow I do have some kind of guardian angel, always watching over me and helping me through difficult life situations. And at this point of my life I feel lucky and blessed to be able to experience the small joys of life. I am not sure, dear reader, if you can truly get what I want to say but maybe the following few lines of Rumi might help - 

"In every moment, in every event of your life, the Beloved is whispering to you exactly what you need to hear and know. Who can ever explain this miracle? It simply is. Listen and you will discover it every passing moment. Listen, and your whole life will become a conversation in thought and act between you and Him, directly, wordlessly, now and always." 

So I raise my glass now and drink to a wonderful year ahead with nature, exploring and more interesting activities, but most importantly to a moment too perfect.