Tuesday, April 28

Destination:DEATH

"Hey kid, whats your name?"


"Amanda. Whats yours?"

"George. How old are you? And where are your folks? Kids shouldn't be moving around alone in this  ward."

"Nice to meet you,George. I am eight. How old are you?"

"75. Kid, your parents?"

"I don't have any. I am from Good Shepherd Orphanage. You see that fat nun over the reception? She is Sister Cecilia. I came with her."

"Is she sick?"

"No. I am.Doctor said its terminal. Whats terminal?"

"It means, there is no turning back. Like me."

"Turning back from where?"

"Death kid. Death."

"But you are old. And I am only eight. Why should I die?"

"I dunno kid. Its fate."

"But I don't want to die, George. I still have to be picked up by some family. Like, you know, my friend Clarissa, went across the river to stay with her new parents. She even has a dog now. I miss her though.

Sister Maria says, if I say my prayers daily and do the chores, I too will go to some good family."

"Really? Did Sister Maria say why you weren't picked up till now?"

"She said I am a bit sick. And the families don't want sick kids.But if I take my medicine and say 100 Hail Marys daily, some family will take me too."

"Why do you want a family so badly? Listen kid, you will do good on your own. Family is not worth 100 Hail Marys ."

"Because everybody has one.I too want one who will take me to park like Toby's does. Or buy me a doll house like Bess's. Don't you have one??"

"Yeah, I do. A son and a daughter. But they are busy with their work and their own families.Nobody has time for a bitter old man."

"Do they hate you because you have the disease?"

"Maybe. Or maybe, they are glad that I am dying..finally. After all, I am just an unwanted baggage."

"George, did my mother leave me beacuse I am an unwanted baggage too?"

"I dunno kid. But you are a good kid. Not unwanted."

"George, are you scared of dying?"

"Yes kid, I am. Terrified."

"I am scared too. Can I hug you?"

"Sure kid."

"George, can I die with you? I was always alone. I don't want to die alone."

"Kid, I ...."

"Promise me, George."

"I promise I will not leave without you."

"If I should die,
And you should live,
And time should gurgle on,
And morn should beam,
And noon should burn,
As it has usual done;
If birds should build as early,
And bees as bustling go, --
One might depart at option
From enterprise below!
'T is sweet to know that stocks will stand
When we with daisies lie,
That commerce will continue,
And trades as briskly fly.
It makes the parting tranquil
And keeps the soul serene,
That gentlemen so sprightly
Conduct the pleasing scene!"
~ Emily Dickinson

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12 homies speak!:

ashes2087 said...

old man alone, young boy dreaming and alone - both terminal. cliche.

nice poem in the end.

ki said...

I don't agree with the above comment. I liked the story a lot. :)

Makes you think about life coming full circle, the futility of death... nice! In a really sad way, of course.

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@ashwin:
will definitely try 2 un-cliche it next time ;)

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@ki:
glad u read the actual message behind the story :)

Aniket said...

Thanks for putting Emily's poem. It gave the peace its meaning. :-)

And since you are one to call spade, a spade... I go tough with you:

I liked your earlier piece better. Somehow some dialogues felt forced in. To throw in some advice I got from the pro's like Jason and Sarah is... Not to put in multiple questions or statements in one dialogue. It takes the attention away from the words. And to feel the voice of the character... whether he/she would actually say that.

But I loved the overall plot of it.
The longing to belong to someone and be acknowledged is a very powerful emotion.

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@Aniket:
Thanks alot! That a very important piece of advice I got. Will work on those lines for the next read. Keep reading and criticizing. I am looking for loads of improvement. :)

Little Girl Lost said...

TFL- what a sad, lovely story! i dont think it was cliched. i think it was a very nice plot.

but a few things you might want to keep in mind- 1. the kid's lines didn't exactly sound like a 8-year old speaking. please try to make dialogues fit the charecter, so that the reader can visualise it.

2. you might want to use less words and more suggestions in your dialogues. people dont always say every thing they feel. they suggest a lot.

3. you could have made the old man a bit gruff, to set off the kid's innocence.

this doesnt however take away the fact that the story was beautiful. and i loved the poem too :)

Serendipity said...

Ok, here's my amateur opinion : I like it. its soo sad though :(

How about a ncie romantic happy ending story for me? Im a sucker for those...and could use one right now.

coffeeismypoison said...

I liked this. Made my eyes almost moist. A wee bit more description would've been nice...but this was pretty good...

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@L-G-L:
Thanks 4 the input...I am glad that u guys r reading my stuff and helping me improve literally :P

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@Serendipity

Happy romantic endings...very difficult for me 2 imagine ;) Will give it a shot though!

Tongue-fu Lady said...

@coffeeis...
Will do next time :)

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